Twas the night of the Scream Awards
Two thousand and nine
I won for best villan
And looked mighty fine
The presenter, my costar
Kate Bosworth in beige
We flirted and kissed
And cuddled backstage
But My fans are mostly female
So we used the backdoor
I hadn’t yet realized
I was courting a famewhore
She’s an amazing good friend
So I didn’t think twice
When she introduced me to her PR
I thought it was so nice
Robin Baum said “Sign here
And I’ll give you great fame”
So I signed on the line
And entered the game
At first, all was quiet
We stayed on the down low
But the paps caught us in January
How did they know?                               
Then again I was asked
On the carpet of The Globes
“Are you single, please tell us
Your fans want to know”
So I smiled and lied
“Yes, just my mom and sis”
But within a few weeks
The fans saw something amiss
A video appeared
Taken at Joan’s
Kate rubbing my hair
And so began the fan moans
Kate assured me this was all
Just part of the plan
To drum up publicity
For our film in the can
I still was unsure
But followed her lead
On to Coachella
A big dumb Swede
I hoisted her up
On my shoulder’s with glee
And wondered why the paps
Kept snapping pictures of me           
So drunker and drunker
And drunker I became
Then balled up my fist
Thought a pap called me a name
When a cop stepped in
To stop the eminant fight
I was pissed and put out
But my date laughed with delight
The following day
We lay by the pool
And Kate proceeded
To act like a tool
She primped and she posed
For the paps with great joy
Nevermind that she looked
Like a twelve year old boy
So I put my foot down
And said “NO MORE”
“But Honey,” she replied
“This is what you signed up for”
So I took her to Sweden
I needed a break
To many paparazzi
For my Swedish soul to take
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But Swedish papped pictures
How’d they know we were here?
And all through the summer
Papped pictures galore
I was really regretting
Falling for this famewhore
So I flew back to Europe
A welcoming trip
And because I went solo
My fans did a flip
Soon rumors were swirling
We’d gone our separate ways
But she followed me to Sweden
And I needed a lay
We got drunk at a concert
My friends in tow
She told me to f**k myself
So I let the ho go
My movie premiere
Emmys and Scream Awards too
Still trying to figure
What the f**k could I do
A year had passed by
Yet I’d aged at least ten
I wondered if she’d sucked
All the souls from her men
I’d lost so much weight
My fan base was fading
Is this the big payoff
For all my years of waiting?
She’s stuck to me like teflon
I can’t pry her off
Now she’s gleefully telling
My fans to f**k off
Papped at the OB                                      
What a nice coinky dink                               
Holy Sh*t What was I thinking
This PR crap really does stink
So I hope and I pray
I’ll get my one Christmas wish
A pap free holiday
And no skanky b**ch

Hippychik is a FanFiction writer and she gave us permission to post her AS version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”  Thank You!

Photos: 2009 Scream Awards and “13″ movie still

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